Friday, 14 December 2012

Things that are fucked

Sometime near the 7th December or so -

Oh fucking hell. Had a good couple of days there, no pleasure per se but sort of good feelings while with my friends. But now at home for the weekend, I can find nothing to do but sleep. My attention span is shit, the amount of entertainment I get is shit, everything is shit.

Might try meditating for a while. See what it does. Probably nothing. And when I make guesses like this I am usually right.

Can't meditate as can't concentrate at all. These two go hand in hand for me. I don't really know if that applies to anyone else. Can kind of force myself to play video games even though it hurts. Don't know if I can force myself to do some actual work though.

14th December - That fucking anxiety. Ow, shit, I can't do anything. It's just constantly there. May take another sleep day. Also, I just recovered from a fucking terrible norovirussy thing. Had stomach pains that made me want to go to hospital. Apparently it's highly contagious though, so they wouldn't have let me in. Also still really hate my father. He is just a dumb bastard really. I'm not sure why that means he's deserving of much hatred, but for some reason I just feel that way. Still, whatever.

Positive thinking seems to be going sort of okay. Was able to feel a little enjoyment the other day while reading Roadside Picnic, which is great science fiction by the way. I don't know if they're related or not.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Anxiously contemplating

29th November 2012 - Everything is annoying me. This is a sure sign that I am anxious - deep down. Can't really do much. Am tempted to just sleep this off. When I get depressed like I have sort of been for the past few days, I tend to focus on the fact that my anhedonia is still fucking shocking. Two years of my life wasted. Now technically I'd like it if my whole life were wasted, but this is different. It's not in the same sense of the word. I really want to die.If only there were some sort of benevolent cosmic being out there. I'm sure I could convince it of my case for non-existence. Note I'm not greedy. I don't want a fantastic life. I'm happy enough erasing my pitiful one. But no dice, absolutely impossible. I can't attempt anything if there's even a one percent chance of failing. The costs of failing are just too high, so might as well live through this horror for a while longer.

Anxiety out of control. Can't even lie down on my bed it's that bad. Fuck.

2nd December 2012 - Well, things are alright again I guess. No real pleasure, but that's the same as always. Not complaining about it, because that would put me in a bad state. Yes folks, positive thinking again! Now while it has never worked for me before, or worked just on the odd occasion I'm still trying it again, because anything that can give me hope is sort of a good thing, since it doesn't make me as depressed. Also, I'm going to try meditating again. Maybe. Though I prefer mindless entertainment more actually. Might just do this when there's nothing to do.

Really what I'm trying to tell myself these days is that everything is fine, even though it isn't really. Comparatively speaking though, my life could be a lot worse. It could be a hell of a lot better too, but still, it's something at least that I haven't sunk into daily depression. My anxiety is no longer present (on a conscious level), I can concentrate better and I'm a little motivated to get shit done. That being said I am currently procrastinating like hell, because I can't be bothered doing a computer architecture practical I need to do. Might do it now? Also, I'm currently testing whether doing things I have good memories of will end up making me feel more. I'll tell you if it works. It probably won't.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Envisioning Impalement on a Pen

19th November - Can't do much. University was alright. Managed to stay mildly emotionless throughout. The pain of being shit socially still bites at me. I can't stop it. I can't stop the slow decline into friendlessness. I am really tired, and really stressed. At the fair on I was telling my friends in jest (though I DID feel this way) that I felt nothing at the sights. One replied that I must be dead. Ha ha. If only.

I swear every single time I lower the bar for what counts as good, something happens to set me back so much that I have to lower it even more. My life is horrible that way. But no, I guess logically speaking my life has gotten better since two years ago. I'm not in that spaced out, absolutely fucking miserable, unable to focus, unable to think mode I used to be in. I mean I'm still depressed, still shit at concentrating and can still count the amount of thoughts I have a day on one hand, but it's an improvement at least.

20th November - Felt absolutely horrible in university. Could barely sit straight, too much pain. I contemplated stabbing myself to the bone with a pen but decided against it due to friends being able to notice something like that. Felt basically ill - not physically, but ill in a kind of fuzzy, extremely uncomfortable depressive way. I feel a little bit better now, but I am still not really able to do much in the way of work. My brain is fried.

22nd November - Better now, finally. Still a sense of uneasiness about me, but generally things are fine. Well, my psychiatrist at least will be kept busy I guess. No more boring "things are fine" check-ins.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Every post is a relapse post

Really depressed. Really anhedonic too. Can't do anything but try to fuck about and waste time. Usually when I am super anhedonic as I like to call it, I can just laze about and do nothing and things aren't so bad. Now the very act of doing nothing is painful, so all I can do is dance about like my feet are on hot coals.

I am tempted to think "Hey, it'll be better tomorrow, you just have to go through today", but my depressions usually last longer than this. But who knows? Maybe I'll be lucky and it will. I am finally over that deep-held superstition (read:delusion) that thinking something good might happen will MAKE something bad happen, forcing me to only believe in bad things happening in the future.

I want to eat so much food that my stomach bursts open and I die in a mess of internals and externals, still choking down all the 'nourishment' I can possibly stuff in my mouth. The bottomless pit in my belly hungers for more. But I have willpower, so I'm not giving into it. Hooray. It makes me feel so much better knowing that I refuse to give in. Just kidding. I feel terrible. I want more food, oh god.

Update: The lying down doing nothing approach worked, thank god. I don't know what I would have done if it hadn't. Still, there is that lingering concern that I am majorly wasting my time by doing that, but I can just blame that on my mental illness. With good reason, too.

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Fuzz-head

2nd November 2012 - Depression gone. May have been caused by missing tablets. Not entirely sure yet. In any case it only really matters that it's gone, though I do have some remaining side effects from it, such as a constant fuzzy-headedness. Can't think all that well. But most of all, can barely speak to other people. Very very hard to get any consistent words out. I can write though, sort of. I started back into creative writing out of sheer boredom waiting for a tutorial appointment to start recently.

3rd November 2012 - Mother saw the fucking autism psych-eval form. Now knows I have no one to talk to about my problems. Fuck. Off. I like keeping things to myself. That way people don't fucking feel burdened or in pain or something like that. Talking to people is overrated. It does fuck all. I've tried it before. While maybe I admit it did APPEAR to help, it ended up basically just causing the other person to lose interest in me as a friend for a while. I keep my words to my blog, and potentially to my soon-to-be therapist, since people, as much as they love to say "I'll listen to you, even if I don't understand..." do just that: not fucking understand. They take things the wrong way entirely and think of you in an entirely different way. I don't want people to see who I really am deep down. Why the fuck else would I have created oodles of fake personalities to get by with? I am not self-hating in this sense. I don't hate myself. I just realise that I have huge un-fixable flaws from a logical standpoint.

Well I was going to actually get some goddamn work done with my university course, but now that my mood's fucked because of this humongous trigger, I am instead going to...I have no clue. Might just listen to music for a while or something.

Ended up creative writing again. Fun-ish time waster. Can't feel much pleasure from it, but whatever. I'm used to that. Yes, you heard me! I am finally used to my anhedonia...I think. I no longer feel the need to be depressed about having no pleasure or to distract myself from that fact because I think I've forgotten almost entirely what life was once like. Maybe that sounds sad to you, but to me it's great. It means I can live life as normal without having to feel as if I'm somehow different from other people, even though I really, really am in terms of emotions. My dull ass shit emotions.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Trying to make a pun about depression: I failed

30th October 2012 - I feel a heavy sense of gloom weighing down on me. Couldn't move there for hours from my bed. I was so derealised I just couldn't remember how to use the computer, and a bit depressed as well. Was alright at university. A little sedated, maybe a little depressed as well. But I certainly didn't feel any pain due to my good old medication. Seeing my situation for what it is now, but at the same time, I'm trying not to care too much. Wanting things that you can't have doesn't lead to anything but misery. I have to annihilate my wants however difficult that may be rather than chase them and end up in a mental hospital.

My natural personality is incredibly spaced out. I can't say much at all. I have to actively force myself to be social or else I'd end up staring into space constantly, zoned out like I'm on hard drugs. This has been the same since I've been a kid.

31st October 2012 - Thoroughly depressed. Hard to stay in one place, as long as that place is not my bed. Hard to move too, so I'm doubly fucked. Should pass soon-ish though. Caffeine helped again. I need to fucking getting triggered by my situation. It doesn't matter that I am shit socially. I have friends, right? That's a pretty big thing. I should be proud of that, and yet, I still feel as if I will always be trapped in this fucking maze of social etiquette that neurotypicals have constructed.

It also doesn't matter that I am basically forced to feel a lot of pain. I'm made progress on that part. I don't feel much pain throughout the day (except when depressed). I am no longer trapped inside that cycle of pain and hurt that I was in thanks to my medication. Yet, again, I am sort of in the habit of thinking the wrong sorts of things. Where the hell is this depression coming from anyway? Hopefully it's situational, though I have no idea how it could be. If it's chemical, then my antidepressants either aren't working wonderfully or this is a particularly strong depression as to have gotten past their barrier. Psychiatrist does not want to go the medication route currently since I'm pretty young, like barely a legal adult, so therapy is basically my only recourse for something like this. And I don't think it will work. So there's always suffering through my mood swings as they come? It's weird also how mood stabilisers don't seem to be preventing my mood swings. I don't think they ever have. Maybe it's because atypical antipsychotics are made for that purpose, and mood stabilisation is just a bonus side effect? Maybe I need lithium in me (oh christ no) to prevent mood swings entirely.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Dissociation relapse

Feeling like self-harming. Won't do it. In any case, dissociated badly the entire bike ride home. It was one of those happy derealisation periods, not depersonalisation which I generally have constantly (though to a very minor extent due to anti-anxiety (anxiolytic) medication. I was floating like a cloud, and I was telling myself in a narrator voice that everything was fucked basically. That at one point I'd have to commit suicide, I can't ever catch up to neurotypicals etc. But it was all happy since I was in one of those odd dissociative states.

I don't think I hate myself...much. I blame the world for this, not myself. It's all because of the implications of free will being a load of bollocks. If free will existed, I'd probably hate myself waaaaay more. Well, even if we could control our brains (without free will) I'd hate myself a lot more, but since it is very hard to get rid of autism or mental illness or general shitness, I don't have to hate myself.

In any case the narrator voice was sort of right, pseudohallucination or not; I can't catch up to the neurotypicals. I can try, but in the end I'll always be lost for words, or trying to think of what to say while everyone passes me by. I'll get better though, but things will never be intuitive. I'll try to work on accepting that, but not letting it limit me.

I've noticed that as of late my posts have been getting more and more boring. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, my personality, or fake personality, just isn't really coming through. I guess I shouldn't care. I'm not supposed to be writing for an audience anyway. So I'll leave it at that.